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“Write,” she said, “it may bring up emotions but it will be very open. It’s good.”

Write. Write even if what it pulls out of you is more pain.

Write even if those words are the splinter you’ve been picking from your heart since the day you were born.

Write even though it may not come out. Even if pieces stay stuck and pricking at your arteries, the holes that splinter leaves behind are where your blood finds freedom.

El sangre de tu alma

Dancing through your body and caressing your bones.

Parts of you have always felt misplaced. Your head is in your heart. Your heart is in your hands. And now your blood in your bones.

Use it. Learn to walk forward no matter how backwards you feel. Even if your guts gather at your feet and tether you to the ground. Find the strength to go. To forward that need. To write.

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Polaroid Love Affair

Picture of a girl

Posed to be unposed

A Polaroid placed

Neatly on the edge of his bedside table.

 

He was all encompassing

But he wasn’t there

And her. Held in an image.

He danced around the idea of her –

An ornamental “cliche”

He might say.

 

A ballerina in a box

Another statement piece in the living room

And good look

A bright idea

A scribble in a notebook he never followed through on.

He saw a paper doll

But she was a woman,

And once her figure grew fuller

When his two-dimensional daydream

Took shape before his eyes

He realized his own immortality.

 

Her imperfections

Suddenly tangible

Suddenly as real as his own –

And so afraid of loving himself

He let her go.

Like nothing.

 

Like the flash of the camera,

He said goodbye,

As quickly as he was willing

To hold her forever.

 

I wonder what he did

With that picture.

Removed from the bedside table

And throw into the trash.

One can only assume.

A Sentiment to Valentine’s Day

Sure,

Hate it.

Hate it because it is, indeed,

Stupid,

Pointless,

A capitalistic propaganda scheme,

A strange made up holiday,

Perhaps conceived under

The desire to romanticize romance.

Or

Let it go.

Let go of the hate

For one day —

It’s a heavy sweater we wear

In the middle of winter,

When things are already so cold

And dark

And you are not given any less things to hate,

With the world as it is,

Filled with torture and despair.

But maybe, perhaps,

Just for 24 hours

Take off the weight of it all

And remember what it is to love.

Where it lives in you,

Your heart and soul

But also your fingers, toes —

Holding the hands of the ones you love

Or against your own skin

It’s in your noise,

Your ears,

When you listen to the sound of the city

Rushing past you as you remember to breathe,

When you play your favorite song and decide

To dance around the house. Alone. In love with nothing and everything all at once.

It’s on your tongue and lips,

Both from kisses you give

And in the sensation

Of your mothers cooking

Melting into your mouth

After months, maybe years of being away.

Remember love in the way

Your friend cries into your arms

And you are thankful

To see their humanity

Leaning against yours

Wiping tears from their eyes saying

“It’s okay. This is what it is to be human.”

Celebrate your loneliness today —

If that’s what you choose to call it.

It is not eternal. I promise you.

It is, though, an opportunity

To reflect

Dig deep into those hollow pieces and

Discover new pieces and promises

You never knew were waiting inside.

Go ahead and hate today,

Hate everything it stands for,

Spit at the couples in the streets

Holding hands and laughing,

Scroll mindlessly past posts

That will affirm all the beliefs

You’ve already had about

What’s terrible about today, tomorrow, and the next day.

But I offer this to you

A day to breathe it out

To love yourself

Love your neighbor

Love your parents

Or your pets

A stranger in the street

Or the stranger in the mirror

Find something

And love it today.

And tomorrow

Remember how it felt

And chose again.

Messy

How have you

Not even the best

Become some new baseline for my standard.

 

I have been so broken

I grow “too attached”

And care so much

That your minimal,

Perhaps what should be normal

Amount of effort

Became so golden to me

 

As much as look back

As much as I learn and grow

Within minutes, hours, days, weeks,

Despite all the understanding of these red flags

That accumulated while we were together

I find myself wishing

For… you? Or the outline of you?

The physical you

That represented a greater thing

The beginning of us? The beginnings in which lives

A pretty and refined representation

Of something we are not.

 

Is this idolization?

Idealization?

I’d rather not admit.

But whatever it is, it brings me back

Again and again

As most things do

To the moments where you “loved” me

In some way

That I thought was perfect

But wasn’t

 

I wish for someone better than you

Believe that perhaps someone can

Be better than you

Yet somehow

Am always

Brought back

To the memory

Of you. And your faults.

And the sad belief

That they weren’t actually faulty

That I could have changed them.

 

I am sorry for the both of us.

And am trying to be happy that its over.

Jan. 22 2019

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this depressive spell. Healing is a strange journey. Considering. I’m still depressed. It changes as I change. When I am good. Stable maybe. I am excited about things. I want to work at certain theatres. Or anywhere in the country. I want to keep trying. My failures don’t feel like closed doors or black holes, just paths I wasn’t meant to take.

But now. Now, with the ball and chain returned to my ankle. Or the monstrous bear upon my back. I don’t have hope. Life seems easier not lived. Not even looked at from a glance. And I can somehow state that so blanky. Like nothing. Awareness without forward movement. But still hiding behind fear. I must not tell anyone. I must not say anything. Because who knows what they will do they, how they will treat me, how it all will change.

I see the efforts of movements I should be cheering for, convinced that there is no use. I am heavy. My feet turned to bricks, my limbs roots around the bed or chair. Every inch of skin reaching to sink lower into the earth, if only to dissolve into the ground and disappear. The moods pass like clouds. Mostly covered, with sunlight lasting in short bursts. Unpredictable. I don’t know. Where it all came from. I don’t know if the answer is to fix the wiring, tamper with the chemicals and fuss with the drugs.

Because I just wish- hope- pray to the god I don’t believe in. That instead. It’s just some sort of phase, a glitch in the matrix, in a bad dream. And tomorrow. Or the next day. Or someday soon. I will wake up again as though it weren’t ever a problem. Just a distant memory to recall on when saying

“That was then. And this is now.”

As if either then. or now. Ever meant anything.

Thought Bubbles

Some days everything in my head is a poem.

I repeat lines over and over

Knowing they mean something,

Fit somewhere that I haven’t

Quite worked out yet

I try to pretend like my family’s favorite color isn’t white

Over and over till they

Taunt me

Or make me sick

My dad will tell me the same stories over and over.

But I don’t mind.

I know he loves words like I do

“Your mother had beautiful hands.

I fell in love with your mother’s hands”

Sometimes I write them down

And hope they become something

She said

“I didn’t raise my daughter to be a bitch.”

But she kind of did

Sometimes they start to become something

Then bleed into something wrong

So I let them go

I don’t know how to exist here

Sometimes — most of the time

They just get lost

They spin around in my head

So fast that I get dizzy

And force myself to forget

I was born a music box

Some days everything in my head is a poem

So I let that be how

The poem must be

A string of words

In my head

Just for me

Star Crossed

“But I know when we do

It will be amazing.

When we do

You will explode.”

He said.

A poem of his own

From his lips onto mine

“Into a million pieces?”

“Yes”

Into the stars.

You’re right.

Something about you

Makes me so tender yet

So tenacious.

I have spent this year

Learning to keep myself held tight

Bottled together so no one can get through.

And I told you.

I told you I wanted to go slow

To be sure

That I haven’t gotten my hopes up

Haven’t let myself spill out

For someone who will love me

That same way

That every other man

Loves every other woman.

Lustfully, then left forgotten.

No.

I’ve learned to keep these constellations constricted,

Waiting for the stargazer with the right set of eyes.

The one who discovers and honors

The worth in the light I hold.

I have learned how bright I shine.

I am no longer letting myself burnout

Over a reckless Prometheus

Who underestimated

The power of this goddess.